I was coming back from dropping the rubbish into the bins on Sunday when I saw a neighbour unloading his car. I was a bit surprised to see him take a large holdall and an assault rifle out of his boot. He then nonchalently walked up the stairs into his house. He is lucky I didn’t call the guards on him. I could have sat out on the balcony with a beer and watched as they stormed the house.

I am far more discreet when I am moving my arsenal around. I dobut any of my neighbours know I am tooled up for the collapse of civilisation.